Triggered

It was the week before my 27th birthday (August 20) and I was reflecting on the year of 26. How quickly it flew by and how I felt like 27 had just crept up on me out of the blue. My prayer was that the Lord would prepare me for everything that 27 had in store for me, good and bad, that either way a lesson would be learned and I would grow in someway. Little did I know that that storm was already on its way.

Have you ever been put in a situation that bothered you? I mean REALLY bothered you? See it doesn't even end up being that big of a deal at first if you have to deal with the annoyance for the day. But what would you do if that annoying thing was a part of every minute of every hour of every day constantly taunting you, never ending? Well that...was my life for 10 days straight.

I would love to tell you that I did all of the right things fasted, prayed etc but I didn't, I actually failed this test miserably. I allowed the devil to get to me and my emotions to the point where I felt that I was no longer in control. See my explosion of anger started with a man that I have found to be an annoying part of my life for-EVER (literally since my birth). But since I'm not really taken that seriously all the time, my annoyance was ignored for my entire life. It was okay though...I guess, it's not like I had to deal with my annoyance on a regular basis. I ended up in a situation for several days straight where I felt that I was intruded upon, boundaries were severely crossed which made me feel highly disrespected and was constantly being harassed (to name a few) to the point where this dormant volcano exploded. When I exploded, it wasn't pretty.

With the roller coaster of emotions that I was feeling, there were many tears and many anger outbursts. A dark cloud of negativity and anger surrounded and engulfed me and for as long as I would be taunted it seemed I could not get out of it. This dark and ugly girl emerged from inside of me that I did not even recognize. To top it off this all happened in, on and around my birthday week...of all times to taunt me.

So why am I writing this?

I thought it was more important to share what I am about to share than to write a blog about the joys about turning 27. That wouldn't be real. I'm still emerging from this dark cloud and right now I don't particularly feel joy.

Storms will always come your way. The devil is...clever, but not necessarily creative. He's very predictable. He knows what you hold dear to you heart, what you care about, your buttons, triggers, weaknesses etc and knows just when and how to pull to throw you off. Why? Because he doesn't want you to walk in your purpose. He wants to to fall and get off track. He wants to guilt you into condemning yourself enough to keep you down. When you are down you clearly aren't up and doing the work or assignment that God has called you to do. He wants you to give up on God.

Even though the devil knows all of this, the same attacks come in the same ways using the same triggers over and over and over and over again. He has no creativity...NONE. So how do you fight back?

1. Know what your triggers are. Some of our triggers are readily identifiable but there are some that we may not even know that we struggle with. Speak to your close friends and ask them what they think your triggers are. Most importantly, pray to God and ask Him to reveal them to you you. Ask and you will receive. He'll tell you.
2. Know that you know what your triggers are, you prepare. Pray to God to heal you or deliver you from the weakness or triggers that you are prone to. Note that in asking God to deliver you, He will place you in situations where you get tested and you have to pass those tests, and not allow yourself to be triggered. That's how you learn. Stay prayed up and Bibled up. When you're in a situation that is seriously testing you, don't stop praying and reading your Word. You don't have to go through this alone, God wants to help you and talk to you, don't shut Him out. Keep facing Him and walk up straight because the attack can only last for so long
3. Share. Like I said, your attack can only last for so long. When you get through (or even before you get through) tell somebody about what your storm is/was and how God brought you through and you didn't unplug from Him (the Source). Your testimony can save the life of someone who is being attacked and think that they won't make it through. Don't keep it yourself!

Now as I said earlier, I failed this test...initially. The negativity came around and I was so infuriated that I didn't think that I could have even spoken to God during that time. I went 10 whole days without prayer and reading my Bible because I was too mad. But that was exactly the time that God wanted to talk to me the most. Eventually there was a turn where I realized that I was under attack, I had given into my flesh and wasn't acting like a Christ representer. Even though I had fallen for the devil's bait I sure wasn't going to let the devil win this war. As a result I feel like this meme accurately explained my sentiments when I came to my senses:

So right now, I'm gonna sip my tea and stop stressing about the situation. I have repented for being a brat and thinking that I could do this on my own and have given it to God. I will not stress over the situation because my God is bigger, I will go ahead and live my life, praise and worship like it's over because it is over. I'm proclaiming it. I don't know how God plans on moving this cloud but...it's none of my business.

Stayed tuned for my "He Turned It" praise report.

#EndScene

Hanging with  friend in NY last year

xo, 

Tasha

Heart 2 Heart

I just came back from an amazing weekend in Atlanta GA, where I attended the Pinky Promise Conference (www.pinkypromisemovement.com). It was a life changing experience. I didn't expect to be emotionally wrecked the way I was. After the last session with Heather I was literally left face down bawling like a baby. I left thinking about what people in my sphere of influence think of me. A lot of people who knew me before Christ tell me ever so often that they are inspired by me and my walk. The "works" that they see through me are good. My "relationship" with Christ was genuine. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that you inspire people just by being obedient and intentional on this walk, but I think sometimes it can come off to others as if I am perfect. People tell me all the time "I'm too messed up, I can't do what you do", "you're a saint to be able to do this", "I'm not there yet".

This blog is my transparent attempt to let you know that I'm not perfect either. I was "too messed up" when I met God. I was far from a "saint". I was ridiculously broken.

• I struggle with thinking I'm not good or smart enough. As a result, I often times remain silent, not giving an opinion. (I am also normally quiet, so sometimes I'm simply just thinking or absorbing. It can be hard to tell :D ).
•  I struggle with rejection from men.I grew up in a world where all the influential male figures in my life left me. 
• As a result, I struggle with the fear that (once married), my husband will leave me because I'm not enough for him, just like I thought I was not enough when I was younger (hence why the male figures in my life left).
• Sometimes I think I'm not spiritual enough. I get overwhelmed with grief and try harder as a result. It's a struggle
• I struggle with loneliness. I have a huge family on both sides neither of which are close. I often feel isolated and sad about it as a result. 
• People think that because I am celibate that I don't struggle with sexual thoughts or urges. Ummm HELLO...I'M HUMAN and it's the ultimate struggle
• I struggle with giving my all to God. I grew up to be very independent and doing everything on my own. Sometimes I leave my all at the "altar" then go back and pick up one thing that I'll just "help God with" (as if He needs my help). It's a continuous learning process to give it all to Him and just "chill"
• I struggle with thoughts of doubt in regards to me getting married. I don't SEE a lot of single men seriously intentional about their walk with Christ. It's a battle of the mind that a fight daily.
• I struggled with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. The -ed is there in bold and different colors because I gave it to God at the conference (hence the ridiculous non attractive tears). I'm leaving it there and will not go back to "pick" it up. #bye

Honestly, I can go days going into details about my insecuities but I'll spare you the time (and I think my last confessed struggle might have made yall [who know me] uncomfortable). My point is, when I first came to Christ I was a hot mess. He fixed me, and continues to fix me as I let Him. Now I'm a warm mess, LOL, and evetually I will be a lukewarm mess. I imagine that's as far as I would ever get because to be completely mess free would mean that I am perfect...and Jesus was the only perfect human.

For the man or woman that is reading this, you can do it too. If you see me, don't allow this illusion of "perfection" sway you from joining this walk because it honestly doesn't exist...I'm far from it and I struggle just like you do. Allow Christ to free you, you've been held down and out too long.

Won't you completely surrender yourself to him now?

xo
Tasha

 After church last summer

Pay It Forward

I take public transportation when I go to work in the mornings. I usually see people who are rude and cranky in the mornings as they go to work with little regard to those around them. I...used to be one of those people. One day, last month, I decided to be different. As a Christian I want to make sure that my attitude and behavior mirrors that of Christ so that they can have an accurate perspective of what He is like. Given that, I decided that I was going to smile or smize (smiling with your eyes) while I walked, I was going to appear and BE pleasant, use my manners etc etc.

One of the things that I have been doing is saying "good morning", "thank you" and "have a great day/weekend" to the operators of the buses and trains. They genuinely seem surprised when I say that, then gladly respond. So there's this lady who is driving the bus that I get on every day. She's usually cranky or scowling but since I started my routine of acknowledging her every time she sees me get on, there is a smile on her face ready to say good morning to me.

One day I was running late for the bus. As I was running down my hill, I saw my bus right at the bus stop that I should have been at, it was clear I was going to miss the bus so I stopped running in my defeat. I then noticed that the lady was looking up the hill for me because she knew I lived somewhere up there and I'm usually on time for the bus. She sat there and waited for me to come. Bus drivers usually don't do that around my area. If my luck wasn't bad enough, when I got on the bus I realized that I forgot my pass to pay. I apologized and asked her to let me off because I didn't have any cash on me, I would have to walk to the station. She responded "that's okay, you're all set", and let me ride for free.

What a blessing that was to me. I just wanted to share this with y'all to show how you can reap a blessing from the kind actions that you show (sow) towards others. There are so many people in this world who go an entire day without seeing a smile, or hearing a "thank you"  for services rendered. Now I'm not saying you should do this with the expectation that people are going to repay you by being nice to you or giving you free rides, but I do challenge you to carry the attitude of Christ wherever you are. Give yourself an attitude check, smile, say thanks and make it a daily habit. If anything it makes you feel good inside and you never know who needs that smile.

xo
Tasha

Last summer: headed to church!

Chopped: Why I Cut My Hair

A lot of you who follow me on other social media (Twitter and Instagram) already know this, but for some of you who may not know....I recently cut my hair a little bit over a month ago. It was such a drastic cut, the biggest chop I had ever done. I got so many shocked reactions (in a good way), people loved it. I wanted to take this time to be a little transparent with you (my reader) about why I decided to cut my hair.

I have always had medium length to long hair and I took pride in it because I knew that there were people who tried their hardest to let their hair grow my length or longer and couldn't. I grew up in a culture where it was perceived that longer hair was immediately attached to beauty. The longer your hair was, the more beautiful you were. I learned this as a young child. That was even one of the reasons why I decided to perm my hair. Yes it was extremely thick and difficult to manage, but permed hair also meant that my hair would be straightened and it wouldn't be curly. The curly state made my hair look shorter than it actually was so permed hair meant that it would show just how long my hair was.

I remember growing up as a child being jealous of the girls whose hair was longer than mine (as stated before, it meant that they were prettier than me). I would spend hours in the mirror pulling my hair down trying to stretch it to make it longer. I took this attitude and belief with me into adoloscence and even adulthood. I continued to be jealous of girls who's hair was longer. Whenever I'd like a guy, if there was another girl around us who had longer or even "nicer" hair, I would immediately be discouraged and lose hope in the fact that he would even like me because this girl had longer hair hence...she was prettier.

About  a year and a half ago I went to the Caribbean for vacation and I had one of the locals put long braid extensions in my hair so I wouldn't have to worry about it while I was there. Unbeknowest to me, she glued the braid to my actual hair I guess to make sure the braid wouln't unravel.

OK [PAUSE]

1. Why, why, WHY would you use regular glue (not hair glue) to glue to someone's hair?!
2. Why, why WHY would you glue someone's here without a) telling them and/or b) asking their permission?!

[RESUME]

I wasn't aware that she actually did this until 2 months later when I tried to take the hair out. I, of course, couldn't. I went to an African hair braiding salon for help and even they (the experts) didn't know what to do. They basically had to tear the weave out of my hair, causing me to lose a lot of my natural hair. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I proceeded to put my hair in braids for a period of 2 years so that my hair can grow and recover from this awful experience. I certainly wasn't going to cut it to even my hair out because I couldn't ever have short hair!

[PAUSE]

It just occured to me to clarify something really quickly. I always loved short hair cuts on other women. I thought it was such a brave thing to do and loved the way people styled it. I never thought other women with short hair were less than beautiful, that standard only applied to me. I was the only one who was not beautiful with short hair

[RESUME]

As months and years passed by with my braids I really began to reflect on my thinking and how incredibly skewed and screwed up it was. I mean, I'm a daughter of the King. He made me in His own image and He is BEAUTIFUL. He made me unique, there is no one else in the world like me. Why was allowing the world or even my culture to determine whether or not I was beautiful? Why was I allowing a feature determine whether or not I was beautiful. My value is in God and God alone. Beauty comes from the inside and radiates to your outer appearance, which for the record, will fade.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm can fool you. Beauty fades. But a woman who has respect for the LORD should be praised

 

 Right at that moment, I decided that I was going to get rid of the very thing that made me question where beauty came from... my hair. I was going to get a short hair cut. On March 29th I walked in and my stylist went to work and cut so much of my hair (which had by now grown past it's original length over the course of 2 years).

I refused to look into the mirror until she was completly finished for fear that I would freak out. When she was finished I looked in the mirror at myself and I heard the Spirit tell me: You are so beautiful. And I believe Him! I am SO beautiful! I love my hair cut. I love this new season. I love this new found confidence. See, I had to let go of my hair to reallt see myself the way God sees me. I feel so free!


Now why am I telling you this? Because I know there are people out there who struggle with feeling beautiful naturally. They think that their beauty is because they are light skinned or dark skinned, because they have tatoos (or don't have any), because their white or black, straight hair or curly hair, "good" hair, pretty eyes, nice hips/butt/boops/lips, blonde hair etc. You get where I'm going. Let go of these superficial things that you use to define your beauty. You are beautiful because God says you are and because you are made in HIs image. You are beautiful because your character is beautiful and it radiates to your physical appearance so hold your head up!

Now I walk around confidently rocking my short hair and people see it (note confidence not cockiness). I'm going to keep my hair short for a while and may even go shorter in the future. Who cares? It's just hair. I'm so happy I did this and I hope this blesses someone.

Rocking my new cut

xo

Tasha

Are You Blocking Your Blessing?

 I got saved in September of 2010. After getting saved, the Lord told me and convicted me to get baptized. I knew He was talking to me because the same topic kept up coming up again and again with different people in different situations. He just wouldn't let up. Honestly, I didn't want to, mostly out of fear. Getting baptized at my church meant going to a class then standing up in front of the entire church on the stage and proclaiming Jesus as the Lord of my life. Now for those of you who know me know that I'm incredibly shy, hate being in the spotlight and hate speaking in front of people. As I result, I figured I wouldn't do it...I'm stubborn like that. Besides, I had already gotten baptized when I was 12, that had to count....right? WRONG. At least in a situation when God specifically tells you to do something. I was being a Jonah.

Simultaneously, I had just completed my last class for undergrad and started the process of looking for my first full time professional job. I was pretty confident in my resume and my chances as a candidate. I was a graduate of a good and well known school. While there I did 2 internships where I worked in a company for 6 months full time out of the year. This would typically give me an advantage over other recent graduates who may not have as much experience or no experience at all. Besides that, I had held jobs consistently since I was 16 and had lots of work experience. I sent out hundreds of applications for positions that I was interested in but despite everything I never received a call back from any of them for even an interview. I began to wonder "What's going on here" and began to lose faith in myself and my marketability.

Months passed on and I continued to be convicted about being baptized. The Lord wasn't forcing me but it was something that remained on my mind. Finally in early December, I relented. Ok Lord, if this is something that you really want me to do, I'll do it even though I'm scared. I got baptized that December and I kid you not, the very next day phone calls started streaming in from potentional employers asking me to come in for an interview for their positions. It was at that time that I realized for the past 4 months, I had been blocking my blessing... a job.

My question to you is, are you blocking your own blessing? There is something that the Lord has asked you to do, you haven't done it for whatever reason (pride, hurt, fear) and you are now walking in disobedience. Every night you're praying to God for a blessing, a break through, to break chains, to deliver you. You're praying for that new job, that new car, you need a higher salary, that husband, that wife but it seems that no matter how hard you pray and/or fast, nothing is coming of it. See a lot of times our breakthrough isn't coming because we have not done what the Lord has asked us to do. God it a God of order. So instead of being mad at God for not answering your prayer perhaps we should take a moment to reflect on where we are in life and what is being asked of us. God is not a slave master. When I decided that I wasn't going to get baptized initially God was probably like "okay" and left it like that. However, since there is an order to things you can't expect to get to the next level until you have taken care of the assigned tasks on your current level.

We may have legitimate "reasons"/excuses of why we can't do what God is calling us to do. We have to remember though,  that we never see what He sees... the whole picture. We only see the present, what is in front if us right now. Let's stop being stubborn headed and acting like we are the Creator. Humble yourself and do what God has asked, then watch Him work in your favor.

P.S: I know my blogs have been far and few in between later (usually a post a new one ever week). I've been occupied with a few projects so I decided to start posting once a month going forward. It's easier for me that way and less stress involved. If I feel particular inspired and write a whole bunch at once you may get 2 in a given month but definitely not more than that. Thanks for hanging in there with me. 



xo Tasha

Attending the 2013 Unashamed Conference with some sisters in Christ

Pass The Test

A couple weeks ago while I was at work on a Friday, 2 of my coworkers got ill and didn't come into the office. Half way into the day, my boss also go ill and left for the day. Shortly after that, my graduate assistant left for the day. So here I was, in the office all by myself with half the day to go.

At that moment, I had a choice. I could leave work early and give myself a paid half day off, I could decide to stop doing my work and spend the rest of the day watching Netflix movies (I have a lot in my queue waiting for me to watch). Either way, no one would know. If I closed the office, there is no one to say "hey you shouldn't do that". If I watched movies there was no one here to say I can't do that and I have to get back to my work. I could have gotten away with those actions scott free. But God would know...

I am a Christian and though I am not perfect, I try to live my life as close to the Bible as possible and when I mess up I pick my self up and try again. See the blessing of the job was not something that I got on my own. In an economy that's not that great with people who are struggling to get a job or hate their current job but stay just to provide a living for themselves, I am blessed to have a job that I actually like doing and enjoy going to everyday. God gave that to me. Though I have many aspirations, this is the little that God has blessed me with. I had a choice of how I was going to react with the little that He gave me. Could I be trusted to be a good employee even when no one was watching? I decided that I was going to pass this test.

That day I continued working hard (if not harder) until the minute that I was supposed to leave. I worked harder because I wanted to show myself and my boss (even though she never saw and will never know) that I could be a trustworthy employee. It's through my actions that she will see the difference in an employee that is a Christian. I worked hard because at the end of the day, I am working for God really, and He always sees. I want to please Him, I want Him to smile at me and say "well done good and faithful servant". See you have to prove to Christ that you can be trusted with the little before He can bless you with more. I am just in the entry level of my career and as I show myself faithful I believe that God in turn will bless me with bigger and better opportunities as I grow older and advance in my career.

So my question to you is: what are you believing God for? What are your dreams and aspirations? What are you asking Him to bless you with? Now I ask you to look at your current situation (whether it's relationships, jobs, finances, homes etc): have you shown God that you can be trusted? Do you consistently spend your money frivolously without asking God what you should do with the money? Do you take poor care of the apartment that you are living in (because it's someone else's house, not yours)? Are you faithful in your relationships? Do you slack off at your job because no one is around and they can't see you anyways?

How can we expect God to bless us with our own home, spouse, business, higher paying job etc if we have shown that we can't be trusted with what we have now? What level headed human being would trust someone that shows they can't be trusted?

I'm very happy that I passed this test though I know there will be more. I have learned to be faithful in the little things because they do matter. I charge you to go out and pass the test.

xo
Tasha

Taking a quick selfie summer of 2013 as I'm on my way to church

I...am in love

I....am in love.

He is patient,
He is kind,
He's not envious, boastful our even proud,
He doesn't dishonor others,
He isn't self seeking
He is slow to anger
Even though I am far from perfect, He keeps no records of my wrong,
When I mess up, He doesn't delight in my faults,
He never says "I told you so",
He rejoices in truth,
He protects me,
He trusts me,
He always hopes,
His love perseveres.

For those of you wondering, no, I am not in a relationship with a physical human man. The "He" I am referring to is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Though I have resolved to celebrate His love for me on a daily basis, I can't help but feel a little bit more special and happy today, February 14th, Valentines Day. I wasn't always this way though...

I can probably count on one hand how many times I have actually had a valentine on Valentines Day. During my younger years, I wasn't always the most sought after girl. I wasn't wearing the trendy clothes that everyone else wore, my style was probably WAY off since I wasn't all that familiar with American style. I wasn't a part of the "cool kids" club and was actually pretty quiet and to myself. I wasn't "thick" like the guys liked back then (and probably now). I didn't have a "booty" or a large "chest"...barely any hips. I wasn't what guys were into. Hence, I didn't really ever had a valentine.

In college I was more sought after than high school. However, the vast majority of men didn't want to be in relationships because that was no longer "in" so of course I had "boos" for extended periods of times, but since I wasn't their girlfriend they weren't my valentines and weren't required to do anything for me on that day...and they didn't.

I remember that I literally used to DREAD February 14th coming. I would start feeling this way as soon as January rolled around and it intensified itself as the day grew closer. Then, it would hit, February 14th, and I would go into a deep depressive state (sometimes even tears). I HATED being single on Valentines Day. I HATED feeling like I had no one. I felt so...unloved (even though my momma would try to love upon me, I wasn't having it. I wanted a MAN, lol).

Then...I met the author of love, God. I had always known of Him my entire life, I grew up in the church. I had never known Him though, like know Him intimately. As I have walked with Him on my 3.5 year journey He has truly taught me about love in a way that is completely different from the way I had previously thought. I have learned that my understanding was completely skewed. Why? Because He is the author of love. He created it. He is love. He demonstrated His love for me with the biggest sacrifice known to man....His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for me. He did this so that I can live under grace and not under law and to have a chance to have a relationship with Him and spend eternity with Him.

He has loved me enough to hold me when I'm sad,
Celebrate with me in my happiness,
Encourage and lift me up when I'm down,
Warn me when I'm slipping away,
Correct me when I'm wrong,
Protect me from danger,
Allow me to make some mistakes, and...
Come get me when I've made a mess of things.

Since I gave my life to Him I have felt so whole, a feeling that I thought I could only get through a man. I'm not sad on Valentine's Day anymore. I celebrate loving myself. I celebrate loving him.

I...am in love.

Happy Valentines Day dolls

xo

Tasha

With my room mates from college in NY