He Wants ME

Yall know transparency is my thing so I'm going to jump right in.

For the past few weeks I have been struggling with my singleness...a lot. I struggle with it from time to time (far and few in between) for short periods of time, but this has been the longest stretch of struggling that I had ever experienced  and I couldn't figure out why. What is going on God? I found myself in a completely frustrated state in which I was actually mad about...well everything. I was tired of the sayings:

• God is preparing you to be a wife, you're not ready yet
• God is hiding you until the time comes
• This is only a season and it will come to an end
• You're a great catch and any man would be lucky to have you. Have confidence in yourself

I didn't want to hear it anymore. See, I'm a very logical person, and the reason I decided not to believe these things anymore is because logically, they no longer made sense to me. I am 27 years old and I have been walking with Christ for 5 years,

• you really want me to believe that the 21 year old woman who is getting married was more prepared that I was (spiritually, emotionally etc.)?
• you really want me to believe that God seems to be hiding only me and not anyone else
• this has been a loooong season
• If I'm a catch, someone should be trying to catch me right or nah? That's technically the definition of a catch. If no one is trying to catch the catch then how can the "catch" believe that they are truly a catch? Stay with me here. The evidence proves otherwise. If in 5 years no Christian man has tried to pursue the catch, then the catch has every right to believe that they are, in fact, not a catch...which the evidence supports

So that's where I was, struggling and feeling defeated about it all. Wondering what was wrong with me? Do I have some sort of a generational curse on me? I mean, the women in my family for the most part were never married or had failed marriages. Did I have a neon billboard attached to me that said "stay away, bad product" or am I simply not good enough?

As I began to think of these things my past thinking started to creep into my present consciousness. I spent my entire college career BC (before Christ) trying to find "the one". I was supposed to meet my one day husband while we were in college, we were to start dating and fall madly in love with one another, he was to propose on the day we graduated, we would get married and live happiy ever after. That was the plan. Instead this naive girl found herself in a college culture where relationships weren't official. I convinced myself then men only had this attitude because they hadn't met me yet. Once they got to know me, they would realize that I was worth so much more and my plan would commence. Instead I got caught in a world wind where I repeatedly got my heart broken when there was no commitment and they chose other girls. It reinforced my belief that I was not good enough, curvy enough, smart enough or pretty enough. Now this girl who has turned into a woman is today experiencing the same feeling of not being "picked" at all in 5 years since she decided to pursue Christ. The feelings of insecurity begin to creep back.

In going through this phase I had one of the realest conversations that I have ever had with God. I legitimately told Him that I was without hope...I was letting it go. All those things where He told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) I flat out told Him "I don't believe you, I don't trust those words and I'm over it". I had resolved to live my life with the expectation that I will never be picked, I will never be married, I will never have kids. As a result I will continue to live my life and adjust myself to fit those expectations as sad as that sounded. And that's how I was living.

This past weekend I attended the 3rd annual Heart to Heart Pinky Promise Conference in Atlanta, GA and I was in expectation to receive. I told God that if He did not want me to live in this constant state of hopelessness that He would have to meet me right where I am at the conference, and boy did He show up. Now God didn't use these speakers and His Word to talk to me about anything new. He just needed to remind me of a few things:

• He loves me like crazy (Jeremiah 31:3). Even in moments when I'm not the nicest to Him. It must have broken His heart to hear me tell Him that I did not believe Him. It breaks my heart to think that I broke His
• God's purpose for creating me does not lay solely in me being a wife. Yes it would be a nice added extra but I was created to glorify Him and to minister to a dying world. I was created to win souls for Christ. There are friends, family, coworkers and an entire world around me that are on their way to hell because they don't know Christ. What God has in store for me is much greater than a spouse, much greater than I ever imagine but I'm so busy complaining, comparing, having a critical attitude and compromising that I can't even see what He is trying to show me. Distracted much?
• I felt sad because I felt that the fact that no one has shown interest meant that no one wanted me. God reminded me that He wants me, all of me. I'm not the most popular kid on the block, never have been. I've never been the extrovert or the person that mingled easily with people. I'm on the shyer, quieter side and my friends can attest that I'm very....unique (LOL). At times it makes me insecure because I feel that no man will find that attractive. He'll want a woman who can work the room...that's not me. Again, God doesn't care about any of that, He wants me just as I am. In essence I think that's what I needed, I needed to feel wanted

So now I'm in a place where God is beginning to restore me. I'm not in a place of hopelessness anymore and I'm not in a place where I don't believe what God has to say about me. I believe that what God has for me is for me and there is no one or nothing that can stop me from getting it. I do continue to press into Christ and want to focus more on just pursuing Him and what doing what He wants me to do. I want to be passionate about pursing Him with no ulterior motives and be completely content in Him. I need that contentment because if a husband and kids are not what He has for me I want to be in a position where I would be okay with that and continue to live my life fully because God is enough.

Honestly I'm not there yet, but I am excited to get there. If, in pursing Christ a man does come along then that's great...but for now, I'm focused on Him and I.

I open up and share this story because I want to encourage you single person to really be intentional about enjoying this season for all it is. I know that we all struggle with this feeling of being unwanted and feeling like God has forgotten about you. The devil is a liar. Take back the truth and don't allow him to have a field day in your mind and in your emotions. You're allowed to feel sad if that's what you need, but don't sit and wallow in that sadness for weeks. Get up and do God's work, your entire life is a ministry and there are souls assigned to you. Until you can honestly say that you are completely content with God and only God, you're not ready to be married. Getting married is not going to solve your loneliness or unhappy problem. Your spouse will be human and 100% will fail you. You will need to bring your whole and content self into that marriage so that you are depending on God, not your spouse to bring you eternal joy (because you've had so much practice with that in your single season). Let's do a quick #IdolCheck #RealityCheck #HeartCheck and make sure that Jesus, not a relationship, is at the front of your mind.

Here are some verses to meditate on:

Psalm 55:22  Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

1 Peter  5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. 

Philippians 4:11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.

I hope my willingness to be open has blessed and convicted you. Please feel free to comment below or send me a directly email ro AskMYstilettos@gmail.com if you would like to tell me something privately or request prayer.

xo
Tasha