I won't go into the entire story Just selected "highlights". I was connected to a man on social media who would send me messages from time to time. Though I never knew him personally, we were connected because I was (at the time) a part of a multi level marketing group in which a portion of what we did was recruit people to join us. So I accepted any and all friend request from people simply because my goal was to eventually contact them to ask if they would be interested in joining our group. So (again) he would message me from time to time and my responses, though polite, were never leading. Eventually I got to the point of asking him if he was interested in a business opportunity. He declined. Great, that was all I needed so I moved on without any intention of speaking to him again.
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as His own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father" -Romans 8:15
A few months later this man started sending me a series of bizarre messages that expressed romantic interest. For those of you who know me, whenever anyone expresses interest in me and the feelings are not mutual I get so uncomfortable. My solution is to always avoid. So that, I did. I figured, I don't know him personally, I would never see him, so if I never respond he will go away. For the normal person, that probably would have been true. They would have picked up on the cue and realized that the other party was not interested . For this particular individual, I was wrong. The messages continued (unanswered) for almost a year.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death no life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love -Romans 8:38
Eventually he sent me a message saying that God told him that I'm his wife. Now at this point I'm annoyed because this man won't stop and because (probably from my statuses) he knew of my faith, now he's bringing God into this. I felt it necessary to have the conversation and let him down gently. So I responded and I did (in a very nice way). He still didn't accept that as he still thought I was his wife. It was at this time I shared with my friends at a get together what had been going on for months. One of the ladies that I was sharing with knew him personally. I was told we went to the same university (this I was unaware of as I did not know him), and she was legitimately concerned because he had dated her friend in the past, there was a breakup and the situation escalated to stalking. That, was the first time I realized the potential gravity of the issue that I previously had not taken so seriously. She urged me to be very careful so I started to prepare myself for what may happen. Though at that time I thought, he wouldn't possibly do that...he doesn't even know me personally and he would have to know where I am located..right?
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline - 2 Timothy 1:7
I responded to his last message (in which he didn't seem to get my drift) and was very blunt and clear with him. I ended by asking him not to contact me in the future, deleted our connection on social media and blocked him so that he would no longer be able to contact me. This was precautionary for myself and to also document what was going on if I ever needed it. It seemed to have driven him crazy that he could no longer reach out to me so he started reaching out to several of my friends asking them to relay messages to me. These messages varied from love to anger to pleas saying "your life is in danger". Each of them (through my direction) told him that they will not relay messages and also told him that he needed to stop.
So we can say with confidence "The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?" -Hebrews 13:6
Once all roads of getting in contact with me were blocked (he could not longer get messages to me and third parties were no longer relaying messages), he escalated very quickly to physical stalking. I immediately went to the police as he obviously was doing online research to figure out how to find me and my safety was compromised. The police, by the way, didn't initially take me seriously despite the pages of evidence. They also tried to tell me that it wasn't "stalking" because majority of the interactions were online. Thankfully I was connected to a pastor's friend who was a cop and explained to me what the law was. Legally, it was stalking (I'll explain later). They took my case and moved on.
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishments, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love -1 John 4:18
A few days later as I was at work, our receptionist came to my office and said "[insert his name] is here to see you". Y'all...he came to my job. I'm assuming he did an online search of me, found my Linkedin Profile, saw where I worked, went to my job's website to see where we were located and...came...to...my...job. Can I be honest here? I momentarily froze with fear, but quickly had to snap out of it and go in protective mode for the receptionist, myself and my colleagues. I didn't know if he was dangerous. I didn't tell her what was going on but told her to have him take a seat so that he would think every was okay. I had to tell my boss and then called the police who escorted him out and informed him that he is not allowed at my place of employment or they will arrest him. We had to rush to find a judge that evening to serve him with an emergency restraining order.
My God is my rock, in who I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety
He is my refuge, my Savior, the one who saves me from violence
2 Samuel 22:3
At the time this happened I was relatively the new girl on the job, I had just gotten a new position and had been there for only 3 months. It's hard enough being the new girl trying to "fit it" with the new colleagues. Then to have this incredibly personal thing blow up and happen at your job where everyone sees cops running into your office. It was an incredibly hard thing to endure. My bosses were nice enough to give me the next day off but when it was time for me to come back...I dreaded it. I didn't want to endure the stares and gossip about what may have happened. Immediately I thought to myself "I have to get a new job" and actually updated my resume and started applying elsewhere. However, that wasn't God's plan for me and He shut every single door until I got the picture (I'll talk more about that later too).
**Continue**
Now we're in the trial process, it's very lengthy. Thankfully he seems to be obeying the restraining order but my life had been drastically. There were so many things I had to do and still have to do daily to make sure that I am safe.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my Savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety
Psalm 18:2
About 1 year ago we had a blizzard called Juno in which we received so much snow over the period of 2 days. The entire state was on lock down and there was a driving ban. Conditions outside were pretty dangerous and there was zero visibility. But soon it cleared up, the sun was shining so beautifully and the skies were so clear, however once you got outside there was definitely evidence of the storm. There was snow everywhere. It would easily take hours to clear my entire driveway and sidewalks. All I could do though, was to determine to do a little bit at a time, and eventually it would all get done. While shoveling I felt God talking to me about what I've been through. Yes the sun was shining in my life in that there were no more incidents to date, but I still had to deal with the trauma/residue/feelings that came as a result of this. I, with His help, had to dig myself out. There were times as I was shoveling that I got tired and frustrated because there was still so much more to do. When that would happen I would turn around to see how much I had already did. It encouraged me, because I didn't think that I would have been able to do all that I did. I was able to turn around with new found encouragement and keep going. The healing process for me has been slow and I'm definitely not 100% yet, but I'm better than I was yesterday, last week, last month, last year. I'm moving forward.
For you are my refuge, a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Pslam 61:3
After hours of shoveling and getting everything done, the next day I woke up to find that a plow truck had pushed all the snow that I had shoveled back on about 50% of my side walk. I was so mad! I thought I was done. Sometimes situations like this happen to us. I thought I was healed, I thought I had worked on everything and then a triggering event happens and we have this junk thrown back all over us. I want to encourage you to not be discouraged. I just got back up that day and dug myself out again. And I will continue to dig myself out, I will continue to look towards Christ, I will continue to proclaim His name and proclaim healing and victory. I will continue to press forward and take my life back, I refuse to let the devil win this battle. I will let out a war cry.
So what do you do if you think you are being stalked? Sometimes it's really hard to identify when someone is displaying inappropriate intrusive behavior especially when most of it is online. It's so easy for us to have access to one another via the internet these days which could be great for things like keeping in touch with family, friends, classmates or networking and it can be bad when it makes it easier for predators to find their prey.
- I started doing this before the stalking started, but if it's not a professional website (like LinkedIn) don't accept friend requests from people that you don't know. They can still message you if they want to chat and get to know you.
- Keep profiles private so that you can control who sees your information and who doesn't
- Be careful about what you post. There are people who post every minute about where they are going, who they will be with, what time etc and it can make it very easy for anyone to find you. I personally never did that. If I posted details about where I was I would do it after the fact. Even though I didn't post my exact locations he still found me. Imagine how easy it will be for people to find you if you tell them where to go
- If you are on a professional website like LinkedIn don't "friend" everybody. I understand that you want to network which is fine, but if you are going to be connected to someone make sure that connection has a purpose. A lot of reasons for connecting can be carried out simply through messaging (which you don't have to be friends with them to do). Select carefully.
- Be honest and blunt. I have learned that it does no one any good by avoiding the issue. Be upfront if you are not interested in someone instead of avoiding..that way they know. In normal cases the party will stop. In my case obviously something was wrong with him and it caused the situation to escalate very quickly but at least I said it, and it was documented. That makes my case stronger
- Know the law. Legally stalking covers any situation in which you have told a person to stop whatever behavior they are doing (i.e contacting/seeing you) and they continue to do it more than three times (directly or indirectly). Note: this law is relatively (as in a couple years old) new. Previously one could not have a case of stalking unless you were at one point where romantically involved with the perpetrator. So if this happened a couple years ago, there would be nothing that I could do about it. Look...at...God.
- Collect evidence
- File a police report
- Tell your close friends, family members, church leaders, job as it affects your safety
- Tell the offender to stop
- Don't downplay the situation. If you think that something is off or that you may be in danger, trust your instincts (which I like to refer to as God), because you are probably right
- Research support groups/agencies. Get the support you need
- The Victim Rights Law Center is an agency that I personally worked with. They provide attorneys that specialize in sexual assault who can represent you or simply give you legal advice concerning your specific situation. They also do safety planning with you to ensure that you have set up the tools need to ensure your safety in every location you are in along with making sure you're safe while travelling to and from your destination
- I was also referred to an app called Life360. It's a GPS system that you can add anyone that you like to. It will tell them 24/7 where you are. I had about 6 people in my circle, always told them when I was going somewhere (i.e church, work) then "checked in" once I reached my destination. The check in sends them a text alert that I have arrived. It also has a "panic" feature in case of an emergency. This triggers the app to send emails, text and phone calls to the people in your circle saying something is wrong, call her. It's FREE!
- Be there for them. I am extremely independent, my mom taught me to be that way and I am generally very good at it. Naturally I wanted to handle this by myself because that's what I do (I'm actually uncomfortable asking for help). I have amazing friends though. When he came to my job and I was at the police station my friend decided that despite me saying I was fine to get home, she drove to me anyways, picked me up, drove me to another police station (I had to make a report with both my job's police station and my city's police station). She stayed with me for hours. Another friend drove in from another city to meet us at the other police station got me food and drove me home. I'm extremely grateful I didn't think I needed the help and support initially but when they were there I realized how much I needed them. I'm so happy God sprung them into action. It's truly a heavy burden to carry on your own
- Don't blame them. Stalking falls under the category of sexual assault. Just as you wouldn't blame a rape victim for being raped, you don't want to blame a stalking victim for this situation. No matter what a person is doing, once they say no or stop it means just that.
- Pray for them. They need it.
As I mentioned earlier, the moment that I realized he knew where I worked, I was ready to be out. I applied and had interviews with positions that I was well qualified for. However, God shut those doors. In the moments when I decided to run, God was challenging me to stand firm in Him. He was calling me to trust Him in a way that I had never trusted Him before. He was calling me to acknowledge the reality of the situation: this man knows exactly where to find you, he can come back at any time, he can be following you but despite that God..is...bigger. Will you trust Him? Will you believe that He can make you safe? No weapon formed against you will prosper Isaiah 54:17
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:16
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32
Before I wrap up, I would like to say something really quickly about language. The term stalking is a part of our everyday language in a light heart way. We use it as jokes to say: oh your stalking me, I'm about to go stalk your Facebook profile etc. For me personally, I don't necessarily get offended when I hear it being used that way but there is a "flinch" I feel. Stalking is real, it's traumatic, it's not a joke and shouldn't be used lightly. Imagine being a victim of rape and people around you use the term rape in a light heart way. I'm not saying those two are the same but more for illustrative purposes. I say we because I used to do it too. You never know who you're around and what they have experienced. So as I've been transparent with you, my hope is that people will be sensitive to that and not use that term lightly.
Also, I've shared this story one on one with select individuals and people have actually told me "That sucks but I can understand why he would want to do that. You're great/gorgeous/beautiful/the bomb". I get it, you're trying to compliment who I am as a person...but that's not helpful. Don't say that you stalking victims. Just don't.
So yeah, that's my story. I could find a poetic way to end this blog but I'm not going to, lol. If you noticed there are verses that I placed strategically that focus on fear and God's protection. These are verses that I meditated on that helped get me through, because I had to remember who God is. The experience sucked, it still does but it brought forth a testimony of God''s faithfulness even when the devil tried to come at me side ways. I lived, I learned I grew. Onward and upward.
If you have, think you are or are currently struggling with the same thing and need prayer, please feel free to to comment below or send me a personal note to askmystilettos@gmail.com
Until next time
xo
