XO 2014

I always find it strange, how quickly I perceive time as passing by. I remember being a child and feeling like the days and nights were so long. It took forever for school to end, forever for church to end, summer was light years away, it was going to take forever for my next birthday to come back around. Now, as an adult (since I entered college), I feel myself grasping as if I'm in a whirlwind as I blink and another year has gone by.

I can't believe we're already at the end of 2014. When I started blogging about 3 years ago, I took the opportunity to write a blog as a mini reflection of my year and maybe some expectations for the new year. This time around will be the same, but a little different also.

With my fellow Pinky Promise Admin supporting Pinky Promise sisters who were graduating from college

Last year this time I was in my home country (Jamaica) writing a very similar blog, where I reviewed my goals for the previous year, so let's see what was on the menu for 2014:

1. Declutter:
That was a big one for me. When I wrote that I was in a state where I felt like I was so done with everything in life. I was so busy doing so many things, running around like a chicken with it's head cut off (sorry for the visual, lol). I barely had time for myself and even God. Now don't get me wrong, I still did the necessary activities that I "needed" to do i.e quick prayer, Bible reading/devotionals. However life was always such a rush and it was always "on to the next activity" that I really never had time to dwell in His presence, allow Him to talk and minister to me after I spoke to Him. No wonder I was feeling overwhelmed and angry. At that point I was operating out of the flesh and not being replenished by my spirit.
I'm happy to report that I did some major decluttering and what a difference it made in my life. I would also like to note that I consulted God on what I should let go before I let it go. I had all these ambitions about the things that I was doing but the funny thing is that I had to go back to my home where life was so "simple" to realize that the acquisition of these "things" I had on my image board will probably not make me feel more content or happy but it truly is Christ... a relationship with Him and being in His will. I'm so happy I said "goodbye" to those things.

2. Read the entire Bible...again.
At this point, I had already read the Bible in it's entirety 5 times. On paper it sounds impressive. I started by 6th round of reading the Bible and I was no longer impressed with the thought of doing this for the 6th time. I had read the Bible so many times but never got the chance to go deep into scripture and really study what it was saying and what it meant for my life or the world today. So I didn't finish that plan, I instead, decided to start another Bible plan that enables me to study the scripture more. It's been, life changing. And God has spoken so much through His Word thus far.

3. Finish Bible X
Yikes...yeah I'm still working on it. I'm more than halfway through though!

4. Get better with finances
This is a win and a fail. For most of the year I didn't stick to my budget but with the acquisition of my new job, the payment schedule forces me to stick to a budget more strictly than before so I've started over and it's going well so far (for the past 2 months).

5. Work out and eat healthy
This is just a constant struggle. The things that I struggle with most is my mind. I hate working out (whether at home or in the gym, though I hate the gym more), so when it's time for me to do what I need to do, I'm dreading it and I'm so down about it. My mood finally gets better when I have completed my workout. With food, I'l do good for a month or 2 but then get so tired of trying to think of healthy food or options and just pig out for 6 months. I need to change the way I think. I need to take control of my emotions when it's time to got to the gym and be happy about it. I don't have to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym and take care of God's temple (my body). I also may invest in some free weights and workout from home more often since I prefer that to the gym (men in the weight room staring me make me nervous). In terms of food, I am learning that I need to give my self little rewards here and there. If I starve myself from everything bad immediately, after a long while once I treat myself, I'm going to go overboard and want to eat everything bad because I hadn't had anything in so long. So more (small portioned) treats as I transition into a healthier lifestyle.

Headed to a friend's wedding with my sister in Christ and accountability partner

There are so many great things that have happened to me this year and also some not so great things. I can honestly say that I continue to learn a lot about myself, about God and about who He wants me to be.  This year (unlike every year) I'm not going to put a list of things that I want to do. I just want to be led by God and want to be open to whatever He has for me. I'm in a time of transition that I never expected to happen and I'm learning to deal with that. I'm learning to deal with the trauma I am experiencing (I'll explain in a later blog), the hurt I am feeling, who my friends and supporters are and I am learning to lean on God more to take me through situations. There are also a few decisions that I may have to make in 2015 that will push me to another level of obedience and faith.

I would like to take the time to thank you, all my readers for following me in 2014. I do pray that what I write is a blessing to you  and convicts or encourages you in some way shape or form. I do pray that you continue to keep up with me as I journey with Christ. I'm excited to see what He's going to do and where He is going to take me this time around.

Wishing you a blessed 2015!

xo

Tasha

Stop Asking Me Why I'm Single...

If you are a single person, you will immediately feel where I am coming from. If you are a single Christian, you may feel me a little bit more. I am a 27 year old Christian woman and, yes, I am single.

My last "official" relationship ended when I was 18 years old. After that, a period of 5 years went by where I entered into what can be best defined as "situations". If you're familiar with the college scene, you know all too well what I am talking about... a relationship without the title of a relationship so people can sleep around as they choose. I never wanted to be be a part of this, I wanted to be true to who I was and I thought I was worth more than that. Actually, I was. But I allowed the world to deceive me into believing that maybe I was not. If I was (worth it), I would have gotten it (a relationship)...right?

I got saved and delivered physically, emotionally and mentally from that life 4 years ago. Yet in my walk, I am still single and have never been approached by a single man of God. I have friends who are single and friends who are getting engaged, married and having babies. This is the age to start settling down according to the world. So many time people come up to me and ask me " Why are you single? You're so pretty. You should be married by now". Then they sit there patiently waiting as if I am supposed to come up with a logical answer to this question. Because something must be wrong. Then, if you don't have an answer or none at all, they then start asking if you're doing the things you should be doing to find a mate. Are you going out? "You hang out with too many girls, men find that intimidating". Are you dressing to be found? Wear this, wear that. More heels. Wear make-up more often. You really should wear more jewelry. Along with many other unwarranted advice concerning what I'm doing wrong.

What if you were wrong? What if I am, in actuality, not doing anything wrong but in fact...right? What if I am actually in the will of God? What if He simply has me hidden because His best for me is not yet ready for me? When did being single become a cusre? When did single all of a sudden mean that I am less valuable than an individual who was married?

There are too many single who are pining away and lonely because they are not content with themselves and who they are. I know that some of you mean well, but stop it. Your words and questioning doesn't help the situation. You cause us to wonder IF there was something wrong with us because you wouldn't ask if you didn't think that something was wrong. You mess with the contentment we could have or are struggling to have.

Stop asking me why I'm single.
I am not sitting on a corner crying myself to sleep. I am perfectly fine.

Stop asking me why I'm single.
I am busy chasing God and being busy doing the work that He has called me to do. I am busy ministering through blogs and social media, serving in church and running a women's group. I am busy doing and being exactly where God wants me to be.

Stop asking my why I'm single.
In most cases, it's none of my business, and it's none of yours either.

Stop asking me why I'm single. Single is not a curse and I'm no less valuable because of it. It's not a disease. No need to look down on me and feel sorry for me. I surely am not.


Thank you for your concern but no need to ask. I will have what God desires for me in due time. Until then, I will live my life to the fullest. If you're that concerned, pray for me. And if I need advice or suggestions...I'll ask you.


Sincerely
Tasha

Keep Calm and Rest Honey

So...sometimes I have something that I want to share, but it's short and sweet. I don't want to call it a full out blog because, really, it's a passing thought. So...I'll call this and all future passing thoughts like this, a "blogget". I am fully aware that I may have just made up a word.


Have you  ever had a pimple? Of course you have. I actually don't know if there is a human being who has never had a pimple. Gosh those suckers are annoying. I'm getting to a stage in my life where I'm starting to get more breakouts. The fact that this did not happen to me during what I consider the normal time (puberty) is even more frustrating. As annoyed as I can get, I usually don't mind that them THAT much if nothing special is happening (i.e I'm traveling or going to a special event) so I let them rock. However, if they pop up during a special time I don't have the time for it to "live out it's entire life cycle" before it goes away. I need it to go away now. No one has time for this. So I'm tempted to pick at it so it will go away quickly. I promise I'm going somewhere with this.

So I've done it, it was easy and now it's gone. I don't have to deal with it anymore. Whew, what a relief! But what happens when I do that? A scar is formed on my face and now won't go away because I didn't rest and let it be. Now I have a permanent scar to remind me of my impatientness.

How many times do with do this with God in our life? We get impatient with the seasons that we are in or the trials that we go through. We want out now. We want our blessing now and we can't wait because we're impatient. Fear grips us that we will never exit this storm, that we will remain single forever. And so what do we do? We take things into our own hands and rush the process. Sometimes we do get what we want initially. We settle and are no longer single. We've had a baby. We're no longer in that storm. But little do we know that what seems as a relief initially will eventually turn into a permanent scar. If we choose not to wait on the Lord we run the risk of making a bigger mess of things and leaving a permanent scar in our lives. A scar that we now have to live with an look at for the rest of our lives.

What are you tempted to rush out of right now? In what area of your life are you getting impatient? Stop rushing the process. Rest in Him

Psalm 24:17 Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

xo 

Tasha

Bloom

I like flowers. I think they're pretty. My goal was to plant a flower garden in my yard (I'm not quite there yet) that will be filled with beautiful bloomed flowers. Last fall I was toiling away in the dirt planting bulbs all over and making sure they had enough room beside each other to grow without interrupting each other. This took me well over an hour and by the time I sat down and looked at my hard work, the Lord (of course) dropped something in the midst of my heart that I would like to share.

Hanging with my momma. Jamaica-December 2013

1. Fall:I worked so hard for so long, but when I was done everything was still...empty. There was no evidence of my work apart from the pulled up dirt. God sometimes gives us a Word of what He's going to do in our lives. When we hear, we get SO excited and want to tell the world! However a few days go by, weeks, months years and we see nothing of what God said He was going to do. All we notice is the pulled up dirt around us. That pulled up dirt could be family or friends who have turned their backs on us or even drama, tests or trials in our lives. I want to tell you that God's promises never come back null and void. God will do what He told you that He will do. You just went through all that pulled up dirt because He needed to develop you. You needed to get some roots in Christ, a firm foundation in Him. He needed to rid you of toxic people in your life who were not qualified to be with you on that next level (for whatever reason). He has planted you, just wait for it....

2. Winter: Brrrr it's so cold. The air is brisk. In the morning and wee hours of the night it seems like frost is all over you. Snow storms come and you are buried. Single people can I talk to yall for a minute? I, like you, am single. I don't believe that God has called me to a life of singleness (because He has not specifically told me that), so I assume that eventually I would be married. I, however, am going through a season where I am not being noticed by any single Christian men. Like none, nada, zilch. To be honest, this has been the case for the entire time I have been a born again Christian (4 years). I'm excited about God, I love Him, I love spending my singleness working for Him. Can I be honest though, and say sometimes this fact makes me a little sad? I feel like I am buried under this snow. Nothing is happening and no one can see me. When am I going to come out of the snow?

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,   

 a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,   

    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,  

  a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

   a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 

 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end

3. Spring/Summer: Seemingly out of no where, the flowers that I had planted 7 months prior started to bloom. So many tall and beautiful colors. They were breathtaking and every time I looked at them, I couldn't help but stop and smile. I was so proud. I can imagine God doing the same when we get to the place where He promised us we will be. So many times we think that God has forgotten about us when in fact He hasn't. He has been spending all this time (when it seemed like nothing was happening) working in and through you. Why? Because the way we are now is not a good fit for the promise that He has for us, so He needs to develop us until we are ready. And when we are, we will bloom and it will be so beautiful. At that time we will understand what God has been doing behind the scenes. We will begin to see how He cut certain people and things out of our lives, how He strategically placed us in certain places/situations and He placed certain opportunities in our hand. We will start to put the the pieces together and marvel at His works.

I want to encourage you to not be weary but to keep on pressing. It may not seem like anything is happening for a long time, but trust me...something is happening behind the scenes.

Like a flower bloom in me

Let Your beauty shine through me

For all the world to see

Like a lily by the stream
Let Your life break out in me
For all the world to see

Bloom, bloom in me Jesus

Take root, root in me

And I'll be new Jesus

Jesus IS the seed planted on the earth
because He died I live

There's new life, new life in me

There's new hope, new hope in me

Life is blooming out in me Jesus

Bloom by Phil Thompson and Zenzo Matoga

My cousin and I at Little Ochie: Jamaica-2013

P.S: sometimes we're not blooming because God us to do things that are necessary for Him to bring us to another level, we disobey and are blocking our own blessings. Read more about how I blocked my own blessings in a blog I wrote a while ago called "Are You Blocking Your Blessing?". Please do an #ObedienceSelfCheck and proceed accordingly.
commands

xo
Tasha

At a birthday dinner for a friend

Invitation Declined

I went to a faith based singles retreat this past weekend. It was truly an amzing experience. I was in the woods and got to spend some real quiet time with God literally retreating with Him. I had felt so flustered and confused with life because I had allowed overcrowding and noise to tune God's voice out. I wasn't consistent with praying, reading my Word or spending time with God as I usually did. I was more emotionally led, snappy and frustrated with just...everything. It was a mess.

These 4 days away with God in the midst of endless woods was just what I needed to clear my head and get back on track with my relationship with Him. I came home feeling so enlightened, happy and at peace with the world. As soon as I stepped back in Boston there was something there waiting for me to get me upset. See a family member (who shall be remained unidentified) called me and was fussing about having to pick me up from the airport. Mind you, they have no reason to be fussing. They could have called me and had a regular conversation asking me whatever question they needed to ask me and that would be the end of it. This particular relative though, likes to fuss just for the sake of fussing and it...drives...me....up...the...wall.

As they were fussing on the phone, I could feel my calm, peaceful and retreated demeanor starting to stir and leave my body. I could feel my eye squinting, my blood boiling and my temper start to flare up as I was just about to shout at them for fussing at me for no reason. I then heard a word placed in my spirit that I had read time and time again on social media by Heather Lindsey and Kim Pothier "You don't have to accept every invitation to an argument. Guard your heart". I decided in that moment that I was not going to let the devil use this situation to steal my joy. I was going to pass this test. So instead of popping off at the mouth (which I think was deserved), I instead opted to simply answer the questions in a calm and soft tone and get off the phone once the conversation was over. Was it hard? Heck yeah! I was on the phone squeezing my eyes and hands so much to control myself. Was it worth it? Totally. But:

Proverbs 15:1  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

 Use every opportunity to approach a situation the way Jesus would. Pass the test

xo 

Tasha

#SeedCheck

Have you ever seen a cantaloupe seed? Like a singular seed? It's so very SMALL. It's hard to believe or even fathom that it will grow into this huge fruit, but indeed...it does. While staring at the seed one day the Lord dropped something in my heart about seeds.

We take the size of a seed for granted, especially when it comes to sin. We have been called to live a life that is holy, to represent Christ and His Holiness. That's hard, trust me. We are battling with our flesh everyday. As we battle, sometimes we allow small seeds to pass through because we don't think it's a big deal.

Scenario:
You are a young Christian woman who is living a life of celibacy. You've made it quite some time now and are extremely proud of yourself. All of a sudden you end up in the bed, staring at the ceiling after 5 minutes of pleasure with a guy beside you. You just had sex and wonder, how did this happen? How did I let XXX months/years of celibacy go down the drain so quickly?

Standing in the Atlantic Ocean in Jamaica- December 2013

Truth is, you didn't "suddenly" end up in that bed with that man/woman. Small compromises started to happen that you dismissed as not significant so you'll allow it. It's not a big deal. You're talking to this person (whether text or phone call), the conversation is good until you start to entertain them calling you or allowing the conversation to happen at inappropriate hours of the night/early morning. (You can define what inappropriate is. For me inappropriate is anytime after 10 pm). Compromise 1. The more you talk, the more you become comfortable and at times the conversation will slip into inappropriate sexual conversation. No big deal, it's just talk, I'm not doing anything. Compromise 2. You decide to hang out by going to the movies where it's dark and yall are alone with no accountability. Compromise 3. He takes you home afterwards and you invite him into your house (it's already late) to talk. Compromise 4, what are they doing there? You guys progress to your room (for whatever ever the reason may be). Compromise 5, what are you doing?! A gentle kiss on the lips. Compromise 6. And then you fall...and it seems so sudden.

Now this scenario might not happen to everyone exactly as I have presented it but this is just to show what I'm talking about. We compromise ourselves every single time we allow one of those small seemingly insignificant seeds to pass through. But seeds grow and they turn into something. I've been told that I'm being extra by telling a man not to call me after 10pm or while in conversation with a man and 10 approaches I start to wrap that conversation up. I'll be extra because I don't have the time to entertain the risk of falling hard. I encourage you to be extra. Guard your gates. The devil doesn't play fair and will use any opportunity to make you fall.

Make sure you do a #seedcheck every day. What have I allowed to be planted around me (whether spiritually, physically, verbally, emotionally). If there is anything that is not of Christ, uproot it immediately. Aint nobody got time for that.

xo
Tasha

My first day back home. Headed to the market. Jamaica-December 2013

No Apologies: My 4th spiritual birthday

Today is my 4th spiritual birthday. What exactly does that mean? It means that 4 years ago today (yup this exact date) I went on my knees, in my room, by myself and prayed the prayer of salvation. I gave my life to God and became a saved Christian. Since that day in 2010 I've been on this walk with Christ and haven't looked back.

 

I was coming from a place of deep hurt in more ways that one. I had no relationship with my father at the time and that played heavily into my self esteem and self worth. As a result I seeked out relationships with men as an attempt to fill that void. That..failed horribly time and time again. With every failed attempt, each guy treating me the exact same way the other did, reinforced my belief that I wasn't pretty enough, good enough, valuable enough or even worth it. God snatched me up when I was at my lowest and has taken me so far from the girl that I used to be.

Each year, I do something different to celebrate another milestone with God because this day is very important to me. This year I decided to have a "God and Me" photo shoot. So as you allow me to take you with me through a snap shot of my journey, you'll see along the way, some of the photos I chose to share

January 1999

I was 12 years old and standing in front of my church congregation along with a few other people in my white robe. Each of us had to take a turn and testify as to why we were choosing to get baptized. The microphone came to me and my testimony was simply : 

"I'm getting baptized because God has given me so many blessings, more than I could have ever asked for. He gives me these things everyday and asks only for one thing in return, to give my life to Him. Is that too much for a person to do? I don't think so"

Then I simply passed the mic on to the next person. Not to toot my own horn, but what a profound thing for a 12 year old to say. I know you're thinking it so no, my mother did not coach me on what to say. She simply told me to say whatever was in my heart, and that's what came out. That night I was baptized and became "saved" as I like to refer to it. 

I didn't follow through with it though. Yes I continued to go to church with my mom on a daily basis but still lived a "secular" life. I had one foot in both worlds. I remember being at school one day and posing for a picture with my classmates. They were all putting up their middle fingers in the picture so I figured I would do the same. One of the on lookers said "Oh I thought you were a Christian". I was so embarrassed and cried in the corner. It seemed like I was never allowed to do the same things my friends did and being a Christian was no fun. So why did I decide to give my life to Christ at such a young age? If I were to be honest...fear and wanting to please.

My mother gave her life back to Christ 3 years prior to me and was very intentional in her walk from the beginning so there was a drastic change in her life. She talked to me a lot about God and encouraged me to have a relationship with him. She put the fear of God in me and told me about the "age thing". If I died today and was below the age of 12, then I would automatically go to heaven. But at age 12, I was old enough to make my own spiritual decisions, and if I died after 12 without giving my life to Christ I would go to hell....and hell was awful. So I wanted my mom to be happy and proud of me and I also didn't want to go to hell. In my case...that wasn't a good foundation to start my relationship with Christ on, it was a very weak one that would eventually break..and it did. Though in the church every single Sunday, I had no relationship with Christ and a full on relationship with the world.

August 2010
I'm sittin in my friend's (Ana) living room with her husband and new born baby. At this point I'm 22 going on 23 and I've been pretending to go to church for about 4.5 years now. I had just graduated from college but lived on campus most years in college so my mother never knew I was not in church. I had my little boos here and there, partying and clubbing had become a regular part of life, dressing immodestly for the most part is all I did ( I mean, God blessed me with some nice legs) and I was the life of the party when drunk.

I was sitting there explaining to Ana's husband why my plan to club on Saturday (for my birthday) then go to church the following Sunday was a sensible plan. During that conversation Ana and her husband started to talk about introducing me to this guy at church because we would look cute together. I knew the guy from way back in the day when I went to church and knew that he was a Christian man. And yes honey, I wanted me a Christian man.

When I went home that evening I began to think and went into deep thought. If I was introduced to this guy, would I even be the type of girl he would be interested in dating? Would he want a girl who cursed every other word when she spoke? Had inappropriate conversations all the time? Didn't really know the Word or God anymore?  I began to think, I'm not well suited for a Christian man, and that made me sad. What also made me sad was that I said something to Ana (I don't remember what I said) and referenced it as if it was in the Bible. Her response was "That's not in the Bible, that's just a saying". That honestly rocked my world. There was a point in time when I was younger where I knew majority of the Bible and what was in it. How could I have gotten to a point where I don't even know what was in the Bible anymore? How and when did this happen? There had to be a change.

September 2010
I decided that I was going to make that change now. However, the only thing that was holding me back was the fact that there was another birthday party I had to go to at a club. I had to go because this was a very close friend of mines and she celebrated in the club with me just 1.5 weeks earlier....and I freaking love her! Okay God, I'll turn up at the club again on Saturday, go to church on Sunday and give my life back to you.

September 5, 2010
I gave my life to Christ.

That's...my story. Today I celebrate 4 years of giving my life to Christ and not going back to who I used to be. On this day, I reflect. I reflect on how good God has been to me over the years. He could have snatched my life during that week and a half delay or even the last night in the club where are I drank so much that I have very little recollection of the night (I decided that I had to go out with a bang). But He didn't, there was a greater purpose and plan that He had for me.

I'm grateful that even when I wasn't living right that He has ordered my steps and gave me access to blessings because I had a praying mother. I was accepted to my dream school and though it was a struggle, the Lord provided a way for my mother and I to pay tuition for my entire time there without having to take out a private loan. Boy was that a struggle. I'm grateful that even though I have never really known what to do or where I am going in life, I always end up exactly where I am supposed to be because He places me there there.

I reflect on where I am spiritually compared to where I was spiritually last year. See, as a baby grows into a toddler, a toddler into a child, a child into a teenager, who grows into an adult who grows into an elderly person...you notice specific changes in them that clarifies them as someone who has grown. You wouldn't expect to see a 5 year old still drinking breast milk from it's mom's boob. You wouldn't expect to see a teenager not potty trained (unless they are disabled in some way and that's a different story). In the same way we are to be intentional with growing in Christ.

There are too many Christians who get saved at the atlar and years later they are still where they started, they haven't grown at all. I refuse to be one of them. The body of Christ, the world and God needs me to grow. Why? Because I have a purpose. I'm a world changer. I'm a mentor to those new in Christ and those that will come after me. I am a help meet for my husband. I am iron for my friends. I am a source of information for those who don't know Christ and need answers to questions. I am an accountability partner to those who need it. I need to grow. So as I'm growing, if I'm around people that stunt my growth in Christ, I'm sorry but you've to go. This is not a game, I have places to go.

And so growing is what I have been doing. From last year to this year, I value myself and my worth much more and I have learned to make no apologies for it. I don't apologize for living different. I don't apologize for spreading the gospel where I can. I don't apologize for choosing not to date a man because he is not after God's own heart. I don't apologize for waiting until I am married to have sex or even kissed. I'm not sorry. I'm proud and over this year I have learned to be unashamed. This is mainly due to getting on my face before God and my fellowship with my Pinky Promise sisters.  I consider myself to be a really shy person and an introvert and I have seen God continually put me in places of leadership where I pour into others and encourage them. I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with what He has called for me to do.

I have learned though this year that even though social media is a comfortable platform, to not put my entire life on display. It's not for everyone to know and there still does need to be some mystery to my life. Everyone doesn't need to know where I'm going and what I am doing all the time. So I've been pulling back from person statuses and making them more inspirational and about Christ I choose to promote Him instead and be Spirit led in whatever I post.

What's different this time around? Why am I succeeding in this walk when I failed at first? I finally got to know Jesus, for real and for myself. He's awesome and I'm so in love! The right foundation has been built. He has taught me to have fun in Him and with Him. He's teaching me how to be a wife as He is now my husband until my earthly husband comes along. I'm so excited to reach this point in my marriage with Christ. A lot won't understand but it's okay. The road hasn't been easy. I've been put through tests and trials, some I have passed and some I have failed. I've learned to get back up, keep going and not to walk in condemnation but instead I walk in grace. I have exciting times in Christ and I've experienced dry times when I don't want to be active in this relationship. But God is always pulling me back to the heart of worship.

For those of you who have been with me on my journey, I sincerely thank you. For those that are just jointing me..come on board to the ride. It's always eventful.

To my Father:

Lead me further into You, to the unknown

Far beyond what I now see, that's where I want to go

I abandon everything, as deep calls out to deep

Show your beauty, show your strength, in this holy place

Let it be like gravity, that I can't escape

Till my life has been transformed, and my heart is one with Yours

Let the things of earth be swept away

Draw me close till only You remain

I want to be lost in you, overwhelm me

Take me higher, take me deeper

Seeing your glory, hearing your whisper 

I want to be lost in You

- Overwhelm Me: Riley Erin & Centric Worship

Happy 4th anniversary to my heavenly Father!

xo

Tasha

P.S: Photo cred to my amazing sister in Christ, Marceline. Thank you so much for shooting me! You should hit her up for pictures: Instagram @journeywithme_ Blog: http://marcelinev.blogspot.com

Triggered

It was the week before my 27th birthday (August 20) and I was reflecting on the year of 26. How quickly it flew by and how I felt like 27 had just crept up on me out of the blue. My prayer was that the Lord would prepare me for everything that 27 had in store for me, good and bad, that either way a lesson would be learned and I would grow in someway. Little did I know that that storm was already on its way.

Have you ever been put in a situation that bothered you? I mean REALLY bothered you? See it doesn't even end up being that big of a deal at first if you have to deal with the annoyance for the day. But what would you do if that annoying thing was a part of every minute of every hour of every day constantly taunting you, never ending? Well that...was my life for 10 days straight.

I would love to tell you that I did all of the right things fasted, prayed etc but I didn't, I actually failed this test miserably. I allowed the devil to get to me and my emotions to the point where I felt that I was no longer in control. See my explosion of anger started with a man that I have found to be an annoying part of my life for-EVER (literally since my birth). But since I'm not really taken that seriously all the time, my annoyance was ignored for my entire life. It was okay though...I guess, it's not like I had to deal with my annoyance on a regular basis. I ended up in a situation for several days straight where I felt that I was intruded upon, boundaries were severely crossed which made me feel highly disrespected and was constantly being harassed (to name a few) to the point where this dormant volcano exploded. When I exploded, it wasn't pretty.

With the roller coaster of emotions that I was feeling, there were many tears and many anger outbursts. A dark cloud of negativity and anger surrounded and engulfed me and for as long as I would be taunted it seemed I could not get out of it. This dark and ugly girl emerged from inside of me that I did not even recognize. To top it off this all happened in, on and around my birthday week...of all times to taunt me.

So why am I writing this?

I thought it was more important to share what I am about to share than to write a blog about the joys about turning 27. That wouldn't be real. I'm still emerging from this dark cloud and right now I don't particularly feel joy.

Storms will always come your way. The devil is...clever, but not necessarily creative. He's very predictable. He knows what you hold dear to you heart, what you care about, your buttons, triggers, weaknesses etc and knows just when and how to pull to throw you off. Why? Because he doesn't want you to walk in your purpose. He wants to to fall and get off track. He wants to guilt you into condemning yourself enough to keep you down. When you are down you clearly aren't up and doing the work or assignment that God has called you to do. He wants you to give up on God.

Even though the devil knows all of this, the same attacks come in the same ways using the same triggers over and over and over and over again. He has no creativity...NONE. So how do you fight back?

1. Know what your triggers are. Some of our triggers are readily identifiable but there are some that we may not even know that we struggle with. Speak to your close friends and ask them what they think your triggers are. Most importantly, pray to God and ask Him to reveal them to you you. Ask and you will receive. He'll tell you.
2. Know that you know what your triggers are, you prepare. Pray to God to heal you or deliver you from the weakness or triggers that you are prone to. Note that in asking God to deliver you, He will place you in situations where you get tested and you have to pass those tests, and not allow yourself to be triggered. That's how you learn. Stay prayed up and Bibled up. When you're in a situation that is seriously testing you, don't stop praying and reading your Word. You don't have to go through this alone, God wants to help you and talk to you, don't shut Him out. Keep facing Him and walk up straight because the attack can only last for so long
3. Share. Like I said, your attack can only last for so long. When you get through (or even before you get through) tell somebody about what your storm is/was and how God brought you through and you didn't unplug from Him (the Source). Your testimony can save the life of someone who is being attacked and think that they won't make it through. Don't keep it yourself!

Now as I said earlier, I failed this test...initially. The negativity came around and I was so infuriated that I didn't think that I could have even spoken to God during that time. I went 10 whole days without prayer and reading my Bible because I was too mad. But that was exactly the time that God wanted to talk to me the most. Eventually there was a turn where I realized that I was under attack, I had given into my flesh and wasn't acting like a Christ representer. Even though I had fallen for the devil's bait I sure wasn't going to let the devil win this war. As a result I feel like this meme accurately explained my sentiments when I came to my senses:

So right now, I'm gonna sip my tea and stop stressing about the situation. I have repented for being a brat and thinking that I could do this on my own and have given it to God. I will not stress over the situation because my God is bigger, I will go ahead and live my life, praise and worship like it's over because it is over. I'm proclaiming it. I don't know how God plans on moving this cloud but...it's none of my business.

Stayed tuned for my "He Turned It" praise report.

#EndScene

Hanging with  friend in NY last year

xo, 

Tasha

Heart 2 Heart

I just came back from an amazing weekend in Atlanta GA, where I attended the Pinky Promise Conference (www.pinkypromisemovement.com). It was a life changing experience. I didn't expect to be emotionally wrecked the way I was. After the last session with Heather I was literally left face down bawling like a baby. I left thinking about what people in my sphere of influence think of me. A lot of people who knew me before Christ tell me ever so often that they are inspired by me and my walk. The "works" that they see through me are good. My "relationship" with Christ was genuine. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that you inspire people just by being obedient and intentional on this walk, but I think sometimes it can come off to others as if I am perfect. People tell me all the time "I'm too messed up, I can't do what you do", "you're a saint to be able to do this", "I'm not there yet".

This blog is my transparent attempt to let you know that I'm not perfect either. I was "too messed up" when I met God. I was far from a "saint". I was ridiculously broken.

• I struggle with thinking I'm not good or smart enough. As a result, I often times remain silent, not giving an opinion. (I am also normally quiet, so sometimes I'm simply just thinking or absorbing. It can be hard to tell :D ).
•  I struggle with rejection from men.I grew up in a world where all the influential male figures in my life left me. 
• As a result, I struggle with the fear that (once married), my husband will leave me because I'm not enough for him, just like I thought I was not enough when I was younger (hence why the male figures in my life left).
• Sometimes I think I'm not spiritual enough. I get overwhelmed with grief and try harder as a result. It's a struggle
• I struggle with loneliness. I have a huge family on both sides neither of which are close. I often feel isolated and sad about it as a result. 
• People think that because I am celibate that I don't struggle with sexual thoughts or urges. Ummm HELLO...I'M HUMAN and it's the ultimate struggle
• I struggle with giving my all to God. I grew up to be very independent and doing everything on my own. Sometimes I leave my all at the "altar" then go back and pick up one thing that I'll just "help God with" (as if He needs my help). It's a continuous learning process to give it all to Him and just "chill"
• I struggle with thoughts of doubt in regards to me getting married. I don't SEE a lot of single men seriously intentional about their walk with Christ. It's a battle of the mind that a fight daily.
• I struggled with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. The -ed is there in bold and different colors because I gave it to God at the conference (hence the ridiculous non attractive tears). I'm leaving it there and will not go back to "pick" it up. #bye

Honestly, I can go days going into details about my insecuities but I'll spare you the time (and I think my last confessed struggle might have made yall [who know me] uncomfortable). My point is, when I first came to Christ I was a hot mess. He fixed me, and continues to fix me as I let Him. Now I'm a warm mess, LOL, and evetually I will be a lukewarm mess. I imagine that's as far as I would ever get because to be completely mess free would mean that I am perfect...and Jesus was the only perfect human.

For the man or woman that is reading this, you can do it too. If you see me, don't allow this illusion of "perfection" sway you from joining this walk because it honestly doesn't exist...I'm far from it and I struggle just like you do. Allow Christ to free you, you've been held down and out too long.

Won't you completely surrender yourself to him now?

xo
Tasha

 After church last summer