Heart 2 Heart

I just came back from an amazing weekend in Atlanta GA, where I attended the Pinky Promise Conference (www.pinkypromisemovement.com). It was a life changing experience. I didn't expect to be emotionally wrecked the way I was. After the last session with Heather I was literally left face down bawling like a baby. I left thinking about what people in my sphere of influence think of me. A lot of people who knew me before Christ tell me ever so often that they are inspired by me and my walk. The "works" that they see through me are good. My "relationship" with Christ was genuine. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know that you inspire people just by being obedient and intentional on this walk, but I think sometimes it can come off to others as if I am perfect. People tell me all the time "I'm too messed up, I can't do what you do", "you're a saint to be able to do this", "I'm not there yet".

This blog is my transparent attempt to let you know that I'm not perfect either. I was "too messed up" when I met God. I was far from a "saint". I was ridiculously broken.

• I struggle with thinking I'm not good or smart enough. As a result, I often times remain silent, not giving an opinion. (I am also normally quiet, so sometimes I'm simply just thinking or absorbing. It can be hard to tell :D ).
•  I struggle with rejection from men.I grew up in a world where all the influential male figures in my life left me. 
• As a result, I struggle with the fear that (once married), my husband will leave me because I'm not enough for him, just like I thought I was not enough when I was younger (hence why the male figures in my life left).
• Sometimes I think I'm not spiritual enough. I get overwhelmed with grief and try harder as a result. It's a struggle
• I struggle with loneliness. I have a huge family on both sides neither of which are close. I often feel isolated and sad about it as a result. 
• People think that because I am celibate that I don't struggle with sexual thoughts or urges. Ummm HELLO...I'M HUMAN and it's the ultimate struggle
• I struggle with giving my all to God. I grew up to be very independent and doing everything on my own. Sometimes I leave my all at the "altar" then go back and pick up one thing that I'll just "help God with" (as if He needs my help). It's a continuous learning process to give it all to Him and just "chill"
• I struggle with thoughts of doubt in regards to me getting married. I don't SEE a lot of single men seriously intentional about their walk with Christ. It's a battle of the mind that a fight daily.
• I struggled with the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. The -ed is there in bold and different colors because I gave it to God at the conference (hence the ridiculous non attractive tears). I'm leaving it there and will not go back to "pick" it up. #bye

Honestly, I can go days going into details about my insecuities but I'll spare you the time (and I think my last confessed struggle might have made yall [who know me] uncomfortable). My point is, when I first came to Christ I was a hot mess. He fixed me, and continues to fix me as I let Him. Now I'm a warm mess, LOL, and evetually I will be a lukewarm mess. I imagine that's as far as I would ever get because to be completely mess free would mean that I am perfect...and Jesus was the only perfect human.

For the man or woman that is reading this, you can do it too. If you see me, don't allow this illusion of "perfection" sway you from joining this walk because it honestly doesn't exist...I'm far from it and I struggle just like you do. Allow Christ to free you, you've been held down and out too long.

Won't you completely surrender yourself to him now?

xo
Tasha

 After church last summer