I was 12 when I moved to the U.S. Well..12 years and 11 months, so basically 13. My mom never actually told me ahead of time that we were moving. I came for the summer to hang with my younger sisters and my dad like I did every few summers. About 2 weeks before I was due to fly back home to Jamaica, my mom called to tell me that she had decided that we were going to move here and my dad would be enrolling me in school. I wasn’t sad… I was actually thrilled by the news. America was unfamiliar to me. I wasn’t used to escalators and elevators, pizzas or spaghetti and meatballs. There were so many things that were so awesome about living here.
It really hit home the first day of school though. I dressed differently than everyone else, I didn’t know what the style was, I didn’t know the music AT ALL. Most importantly my friends weren’t there and I had THE most intense Jamaican accent. See this was a year prior to Sean Paul blowing up in the U.S. so the Jamaican accent much less any kind of West Indian accent was NOT cool. Kids were really cruel when I talked, so much so, that I stop talking…for the ENTIRE school year. I would sit and listen to what kids my age were saying, picked up on the cool slangs or terms. Then I’d go home and practice my words and the American accent. I even started practicing swears and how to use them appropriately in everyday speech. SWEARS! I had never in my life sworn before at that point. Don’t get me wrong, I heard them all the time growing up in the islands (island swears of course), but I never had any desire to use them.It was overwhelming and depressing. Assimilating to a new culture, new world, new fashion without ever getting closure or getting to say goodbye to the only world I knew.
A year later, time to go to high school and I was good to go. I learned how to turn the Jamaican accent “off” and the American accent “on”. I developed this whole new persona by the time I got to high school, lied about things that would happen to me or things that I did in order to gain friends and get people to like me. I still didn’t have the fashion thing down yet but…oh well. I was so focused on morphing into being like everyone else that I completely lost sight of who I was. Going to church wasn’t cool so I didn’t want to tell people that that my mother forced me to go to church every Sunday. I didn’t try to make friends with the kids at church because “church kids were corny” thus “not cool”. Besides I was way too shy even if I wanted to. College came around and I morphed more into someone else because my mom couldn’t find out anyway. I stopped going to church and started partying more.
From the moment I moved here I was looking for a human being to validate me. If my speech wasn’t ok, I was going to change it. If my clothes weren’t ok, I was going to do what I could to change it. I was always looking or approval of my peers. Approval meant that people liked you, hung out with you and thought you were an okay person. People don’t usually stand up and say that they are looking for approval from others, but if we’re honest with ourselves…we are or at one point, we were. Here’s the thing though…God has validated us from the time that he placed us in our mother’s womb. We don’t need to seek approval from others because we have approval from Him…the only One that matters. Interestingly enough thought, the world has tricked us into thinking that we need their approval and it’s become such a big deal to get it. I didn’t realize this until I got saved close to 2 years ago and began to pursue a relationship with Him. It’s forced me to be…me, and to be comfortable with that. It’s a work in progress. I had to undo everything that I morphed into which took time. I was in so deep. Learning how not to swear again after 10 years of a filthy mouth was hard. I am now free of that though.
**I’m Tasha. I’m a bit awkward. I love corny jokes and to act ridiculously skilly. I love old school music from the 70s and 80s. I’m pretty sensitive and kind of shy. I have a rather wild imagination. I’m a CHRISTIAN. I love GOD and He’s COOL. I don’t swear, I actually don’t like it and never liked it. I’m ME!!*
Side note:
1) I eventually got my closure. I went back to Jamaica for a few weeks 3 years after I moved. I got to say goodbye to my home and my family. It did me well.
2) Sean Paul eventually blew up and being Jamaican became cool ;)
Trust that who you are is enough. Don’t try to be anyone that you aren’t. As my pastor says: you are an original design, there is no one else like you in the world. God looked at you and said “this is good”. So embrace who He has made you to be. And people don’t like who you really are, who cares?! They can take it up with your Designer…God Almighty
xoxo
Tasha
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